Monday, April 27, 2015

One Thing Bugged Him, Homosexuality

One Thing Bugged Me, Homosexuality

I was born in a "Christian" family. We were Christians only to the extent of going to church once a week and praying before meals. My mom abused me when I was very little and my dad was not around very much. He was in the military and when my dad was around, sometimes he would say things that hurt me. I got so depressed when I was little that I've thought of suicides many time and even got to the point where I took a knife and put it on my wrist, but God always prevented that by putting encouraging thoughts in my mind. One thing bugged me, homosexuality. As I grew older, the desires got stronger. At first, I tried to deny those desires. I tried to repress it but it made me a terrible person. I had to wear a mask everyday and it was wearing me out. I became a bitter and angry person. I also prayed for God to remove it but nothing happened. So, one day I got sick of all that, I decided to just accept homosexuality because I felt like I can't change myself, in spite of my many attempts. I could stay *clean* for 3-6 months without homosexuality but always got back to the old lifestyle. When I decided to just enjoy homosexuality, I said goodbye to God. I still didn't hate God, I just felt like I was unworthy for Him. So, I might as well go to hell. I was "ready" to go to hell... but later I found out God wasn't ready for that! My lowest point was last year... I did shameful things that I don't even want to mention now, and during those "godless" and lust indulging years, I knew God was calling me many times but I hardened my heart towards Him each time. I wanted God to just go away, so I can enjoy homosexuality. But last year, I felt so depraved and lost. I hit rock bottom. I was always lusting over porn or someoneIt was very hard for me to have a decent talk with my parents. Somehow I always got angry when talking to them. I was always bored, never really at peace. I have become the worst I've ever been and I realized this, and yet I couldn't change it. It was like I was being controlledSo, one day I started thinking about my life because I felt like I was not going anywhere (more like I didn't know where I was going, I was lost!) and I felt like I have been a total waste. I didn't want to spend my life like this. Remember I have forgotten about God completely, so I didn't even think of going back to Him. Until He started to approach me. He reminded me of His blessings in my life and suddenly it hit I'm not worthless! And then I understand God wants me to follow Him but I had to leave all my sins behind, in order to do that. Now, I didn't decide right away. In fact, I thought about it for several minutes and couldn't decide because at that time I didn't want to leave homosexuality. I was comfortable with that and it brought me pleasure to some extent. But then, I heard this "Only fools reject My perfect love". It was a like a wake up call for me. And quickly I told God, "Oh Lord, I don't want to be that fool, ok Lord, I will follow You and leave my sin behind." After I made my decision, I prayed. My repentance prayer was quite simple:

Father in Heaven, I am sorry I have hardened my heart towards You. Please forgive me for my sins. I am all yours now. Make me the way You want me to be and only Your will be done in my life. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

And after that prayer, I felt totally different. First thing I noticed was that I don't have any hatred at all. I could only feel love, joy, and peace. I felt pure. And the second thing, I noticed I don't have any homosexual desires anymoreI now can talk to my parents normally and all I want to do now is to please God. After that, a verse popped in my mind, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Mat 6:33). So, I started reading Christian literatures and of course the Bible to find out what God wants, to get to know Him more. It turned out God wants me to serve Him. So, ever since then I try to serve Him, whether it's witnessing to people or writing His truth for fellow Christians or spreading tracts. My prayer now is that I will endure to my last breath. I realize the need to keep a holy and righteous life, especially since I'm serving Him now. I never want to go back to my old life it was depravity and worse, I was heading for hell!

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